People pleaser

people pleaser

I had been a complete vegetarian for twenty-two years and then was kind of two-thirds vegetarian, always feeling a little guilty about the one-third non-vegetarian. I I had become a strict vegetarian many decades ago because I was studying and working under a meditation Master and for yogis, light food allows for easy digestion when meditating regularly. I will say we had delicious meals.

After twenty-two years though, my nervous system was shot. I tried taking B 12 shots to no avail. Then one day I was sharing about it with a friend who had also been there. She said, why don’t you have a steak. See if that works. I did and it was phenomenal how quickly my nerves settled allowing my mind to become more clear. So every once in a while I would have a little meat. Always, I felt a little guilty though so it was a rare occasion.

More recently, I was sitting in a restaurant with a group of friends who were strict about vegetarianism and I had a strong inner critic to back them up. I read the menu and as usual, my eyes journeyed over to the non-veg side of the offerings. I REALLY wanted a hamburger! My body was begging for it. My mouth was watering with the very thought. But there is was, that familiar lump blocking my voice from speaking. Nervous tension from my inner war often caused my stomach to clench and my whole body tensed up that day as well. I tucked my hands under my thighs. When the waiter came to me, I said, I’ll have the sprouts and edamame salad with kale dressing. I told myself it was ok. I was doing what I was supposed to do to fit in. Don’t rock the boat. That was my caution light taking charge. Be sure you don’t rock the boat. I ate my salad, smiling as the meal went on.

HOW did I get like this?!

When I was five, we moved from a small house into a very large house. It had been built by my grandfather and was state of the art to please my grandmother. They had offered the house to my mom and dad. My dad did not make much as a pediatrician and he was at peace with that but my mom took after her mother, longing for glitter and glamor. The rooms were huge. There were five bedrooms, one for each child and one for my parents. There was even a back porch and a basement. I got to sleep in my own room upstairs. This may sound like serendipity but in truth I was terrified of the dark and being alone in that place. In general, I was in a state of fear there, wondering who was coming to get me, to harm me. In the small house I had shared a bedroom with three other siblings, from the time I was born. Now I was alone, all alone in the impenetrable darkness of night and I would wake up anxious during the night and clutch the covers around me until I could lie down and go back to sleep.

One night I had a full on nightmare. I rushed down the stairs hoping to be soothed by my mom. I stood in the big living room in front of her and her friends, tears streaming down my cheeks, shrunken in my little body. I so longed for her to take me in her arms, kiss the tears away, and comfort me. Instead, she snapped, What are you crying about? Stop it! Go back to bed. Sadly, this was a common theme between us.

At that moment, my voice got stuck in my throat. Over the years, the lump holding my voice down grew bigger and bigger, until whenever I was asked, “What do you want?” my default became, “What do YOU want?...I will have that.”

For me, all the words piling up in my throat made the blockade gargantuan. The blockade wedged itself down into my gut and through my limbs. I was never quite in my body after that night. I was a hyper sensitive and gentle kid and that experience had thrown me right off the bus.

Have you ever felt a lump in your throat when you don’t speak up about what is important to you? Maybe it’s the need for choice, consideration, respect, being heard, being seen, understanding...let alone loved!

I’ll tell you what happens when you don’t speak up: You hold jobs you don’t want, you hang out with people with whom you don’t resonate, you spend time at events you don’t really want to attend, you support causes you don’t actually believe in...AND you order a sprouts and edamame salads with kale dressing!

One day I was in a leadership class with people from all over the world. These were individuals who were standing up for causes that were very close to their hearts. One woman from a third world country asked a question and the teacher responded,

“Make your needs more important...in service to humanity. Otherwise you reinforce the structure of oppression.”

Everything came to a halt inside me as I took in those mighty words. I wrote her words down in my notebook. I read them again and I read them again. Make your needs more important, in service to humanity. Otherwise you reinforce the structure of oppression?

As the words began to sink into me. something amazing began to happen in my body. I could feel the blood starting to course through my arms, my solar plexus, my belly, through my legs. It was a warm, nurturing river. My brain snapped awake. I was thinking clearly, all the circuits were humming. Instead of hovering outside my body, I was grounded, centered, solid like a mountain. I felt empowered. I was SUPER WOMAN!

The very next day, I picked up my phone and called my good friend: You know those issues that have been bothering me all these years? They had dismissed me and locked me out with no explanation and it hurt not to know why, just having the door shut in my face after decades of service. I told my friend, I am going to write a letter to the organization. I am going to go face to face with them. I am going to speak my truth, no matter what the outcome.

The universe has a way of testing our commitment. The very next night I received a text from my landlord saying they were raising my rent, effective immediately. Touting my unchained courage, I looked up the California tenant legal rights. When the landlord came to my door and handed me a paper, declaring, “We can do whatever we want,” my feet were planted firmly on the entry step to the rental. I was heroic, looking right at her. Of course I was trembling inwardly. Feeling my power might have been no big deal for someone else, but for me, it was HUGE because I had never felt that before.

I handed her my letter and proclaimed, “No. Actually you cannot do whatever you want; the law says you have to deliver me a thirty-day written notice before you can do that.”

Petty tyrants don’t like being crossed so the next month was hell for me. They cut off my internet for starters. I stuck it out anyway. I continued to tremble through putting the last load of my things into my car; then I got down the driveway and onto to the road. I heaved a sigh, letting all the tension out and was able at last to rest easy.

Now when I go to the cafe with my veggie loving friends, I glance through the menu and cruise right past the sprouts and edamame salad with kale dressing. I turn my eyes to the other side of the menu and relish the offerings one by one. When the waiter comes to me, I announce in a bold voice, I am having a hamburger...with EVERYTHING on it!

It’s that small. It’s that big.